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Rodney Dangerfield: 50 Quotes, Jokes And Stories

Icons | November 22, 2019

Actor and comedian Rodney Dangerfield (1921 - 2004) as he appears in Caddyshack, directed by Harold Ramis, 1980. (Photo by Hulton Archive/Getty Images)

Comedian and actor Rodney Dangerfield got "no respect" -- that was his shtick, but don't be fooled. Dangerfield was a skilled comedian and a master of the one-liner, and commanded great respect from his peers in comedy and younger comedians he encouraged. From his early days as a nightclub act to his '80s success in movies (Caddyshack, Easy Money, Back to School) and "Rappin Rodney," Dangerfield kept the gag going, delivering his jokes at his own expense and becoming a beloved celebrity in the process.

Dangerfield annihilated himself for the pleasure of others and while anyone could tell a Rodney Dangerfield joke, no one could tell it like he did. The Long Island man brought the funny, along with charisma, style, and bulging eyes that were all his own. Many comedians have walked this Earth, none have ever walked it the Dangerfield way. Here are 50 one-liners and jokes from one of the greatest of all time. 

Self-deprecation Doesn’t Do These Justice

One of the all-time on stage personalities (recruitingdaily.com)

If you can’t laugh at these gems, you may need to see a doctor to get your funny bone checked. No one played the butt of their own joke better than Dangerfield.

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”

“My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.”

"Yeah, I know I'm ugly...I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'"

“I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.”

"If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all."

“I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.”

“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.”

“I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a slingshot.”

“One year they asked me to be a poster boy -- for birth control.”

“I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.”

Love Is A Funny Thing

Rodney Dangerfield with his second wife Joan (ibtimes.com)

Rodney Dangerfield loved involving his wife in his jokes. Although, in those jokes, she never said a nice thing about him. From 1949 to 1970, Dangerfield was married to the same woman, although they divorced in 1962 and remarried in 1963. Only Dangerfield could figure that out. In 1993, he married again. Here are his best 10 jokes involving his wife.

“My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.”

“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.”

“We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.”

“I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.”

“I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.”

“My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.”

“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”

“My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.”

“It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.”

"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."

Rodney Dangerfield’s Best Movie Lines

The greatest golf movie ever made, "Caddyshack," wouldn't be the same without Rodney (golfweek.com)

Dangerfield's comic genius extended far beyond the stage. He was a great actor -- as long as he was playing himself. But Rodney as Rodney was enough -- he gave us unforgettable characters in Caddyshack’s Al Czervik, Back to School’s Thornton Melon, and “Easy Money’s” Monty Capuletti. Here are Dangerfield’s 10 best movie lines.

After farting: “Whoa, did somebody step on a duck?”

He picks up a hat in the golf pro shop; it's the same hat that Judge Smails is wearing: “Oh, this is the worst-looking hat I ever saw. What, when you buy a hat like this I bet you get a free bowl of soup, huh? [to Smails] Oh, it looks good on you though.”

“Hey, Smails! My dinghy’s bigger than your whole boat!”

To Smails, while dancing with Mrs. Smails: “Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must’ve been something before electricity.”

“Please, try to understand. I don't have the background for this. I mean, the high school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity, he threw the teacher out the window!”

To an Asian business associate: "I hear this place is restricted, Wang, so don't tell 'em you're Jewish, okay?"

“Hey, doll. Could you scare up another round for our table over here? And tell the cook this is low grade dog food. I've had better food at the ballgame, you know? This steak still has marks from where the jockey was hitting it.”

“He called me a baboon, he thinks I'm his wife.”

“The football team at my high school, they were tough. After they sacked the quarterback, they went after his family.”

“I don't know. I can't figure women out. Today, they're... independent. They only think about themselves. Why, during sex, Vanessa - she used to scream out her own name!”

Best Of The Rest

The man had a ways with words and punchlines (doseoffunny.com)

Dangerfield clearly knew his way around a joke. Here are 20 more barn-burners to send you off with a smile.

“I asked my old man if I could go ice skating on the lake. He told me, “Wait 'til it gets warmer.”

"My wife isn’t very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, “Did you see the guy that did it?” She said, “No, but I got the license plate.”

"I went to see my doctor, Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah, I told him once, 'Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me?' He said, 'I don’t know, but your eyesight is perfect.'"

“Last week my house was on fire. My wife told the kids, "Be quiet, you’ll wake up Daddy."

“My uncle’s dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.”

“I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, “What’ll you have?” I said, “Surprise me.” He showed me a naked picture of my wife.”

"I’ll tell ya, my wife and I, we don’t think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!"

“I’m a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.”

“My father was stupid. He worked in a bank, and they caught him stealing pens.”

“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!”

“I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.”

"I was so poor growing up - if I wasn't a boy - I'd have had nothing to play with"

“One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I’ll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.”

“When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.”

“I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!”

“When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.”

“I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, “Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?” She said, “No, I hate myself now.”

“One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, “Hey buddy…why are you doing that for?” He said, “Because you came home early.”

“What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!”

“Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.”

Tags: Back To School | Caddyshack | Easy Money | Rodney Dangerfield

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Kellar Ellsworth

Writer

Kellar Ellsworth was born and raised in Hawaii. He is an avid traveler, surfer and lover of NBA basketball. He wishes he could have grown up in the free love era!