Rodney Dangerfield: 50 Quotes, Jokes And Stories

By | November 20, 2019

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Actor and comedian Rodney Dangerfield (1921 - 2004) as he appears in Caddyshack, directed by Harold Ramis, 1980. (Photo by Hulton Archive/Getty Images)

Comedian and actor Rodney Dangerfield got "no respect" -- that was his shtick, but don't be fooled. Dangerfield was a skilled comedian and a master of the one-liner, and commanded great respect from his peers in comedy and younger comedians he encouraged. From his early days as a nightclub act to his '80s success in movies (Caddyshack, Easy Money, Back to School) and "Rappin Rodney," Dangerfield kept the gag going, delivering his jokes at his own expense and becoming a beloved celebrity in the process.

Dangerfield annihilated himself for the pleasure of others and while anyone could tell a Rodney Dangerfield joke, no one could tell it like he did. The Long Island man brought the funny, along with charisma, style, and bulging eyes that were all his own. Many comedians have walked this Earth, none have ever walked it the Dangerfield way. Here are 50 one-liners and jokes from one of the greatest of all time. 

Self-deprecation Doesn’t Do These Justice

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One of the all-time on stage personalities (

If you can’t laugh at these gems, you may need to see a doctor to get your funny bone checked. No one played the butt of their own joke better than Dangerfield.

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”

“My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.”

"Yeah, I know I'm ugly...I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'"

“I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.”

"If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all."

“I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.”

“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.”

“I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a slingshot.”

“One year they asked me to be a poster boy -- for birth control.”

“I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.”